Hi my name’s Father Mike Schmitz and this is Ascension Presents So, a little while back, I was talking with this couple. They had kind of a little argument. What had happened was they went to this party together and as they got there, he pulled out his phone and he texted her.
And he just said something along the lines of, “I’m really uncomfortable right now at this party.” and she responded back with something along the lines of like, “Well, suck it up. We’re at the party. We’re staying here.
We’re not leaving.” And then it just escalated. So, while they were amongst their friends and these other people, they were just kind of normal and light-hearted and having a good time but over the course of this entire party through text message, they’re having this text fight. So finally, they leave the party and they were able to finally say what their mouths what they’ve been saying through their texts and ultimately, you know, she was like, “What was that all about?” all this kind of stuff and he just said, you know, he kind of calmed down and realized and he said, “I just … as we got there, I didn’t want you to leave.
I didn’t want you to fix it. I just felt uncomfortable at this party. I don’t know these people as well as you do. I wasn’t as comfortable as you are and I just wanted to let you know that I was uncomfortable.” “Why?” “For one reason: I just wanted to know that there was someone here who was on my side.” You know, on one hand, I think, “OK, dude, like grow up.” On the other hand I’m thinking, “That’s makes complete sense, that makes so much sense.” In fact, when it comes to our relationships, if there’s any one thing, if there’s any one thing that makes a huge difference, it’s when you know the person in relationship with is on your side. One of the things that I’ll find so often when couples come to get married is that they have to do this major jump.
They have to make this major shift and what they have to do, they have to make this major transfer but the transfer is this: is that everyone shows up with other relationships, right? Relationships with your parents or relationships with your siblings or your previous friends but something has to happen that’s really critical and yet sometimes is so subtle that we miss it. It’s this: Whoever had my heart the most before this, particularly when it comes to marriage, whoever had my heart the most before this marriage, I’m really close to my dad, I’m really close to my mom, you know.
My brother and I are best, best friends. My high school friends and I are just the tightest people ever. Those are all good things, those are all good relationships, it sounds like, but, if I’m going to marry this person, what has to happen is I have to transfer my primary allegiance to whoever had it before to my spouse, which means at that the core of this whole thing, I need to trust my future spouse, that I could transfer my primary allegiance from whoever has it to them, even if who has it is me. You know, I’m my own person. I make my own decisions.
I live my own life. I have to transfer that primary allegiance from myself even to the other person. Here’s why, here’s one of the reasons why. I always tell our couples this. I’ll come tell them that when you’re married, having problems is not a problem. having issues is not an issue because those are opportunities for you to learn how to solve problems, to learn how to resolve issues with your future or your current spouse.
But so many people approach issues, approach problems and approach decisions like this: We’re here. This person has this and this person says this and we just kind of go at it. Like here’s my way and here’s your way and now we have to fight and who gets to win and who gets their way? But one of the things that happens is if you transfer your primary allegiance to the other person, then what you know is, OK they’re on my team. There’s this foundation of trust when I know that they’ve transferred their primary allegiance to me and I’ve transferred my primary allegiance to them that all of a sudden, we have this foundation of trust where it’s not us against each other.
What it is is basically it’s like this: it’s like we’re sitting side by side and our issue is out here. So it’s not between the two of us. It’s us looking at this issue. The example I like to give is, imagine here’s a football analogy. So here’s the quarterback and the wide receiver and they have to call a play and the quarterback calls a play the wide receiver completely disagrees with.
Now but when they go out onto the field, the quarterback knows when I call this play, the wide receiver is not going to thwart the play or if the wide receiver, for whatever reason, I’m not sure, I’m not a football expert, if the wide receiver were to call the play which I don’t think happens, but anyways, just to kind of, you know, stretch the analogy, the wide receiver knows the quarterback is not going to thwart the play. Why? Because they’re on the same team. Their allegiance is to each other, even if in this moment, they disagree. What it is is—no, no—we’re on the same team, trying to accomplish this goal, so when you find someone to whom you can transfer your primary allegiance, one of the challenges is to live that way.
Then when we have any kind of decision, actually I invite you to do this, when you have any kind of decision, doesn’t have to be a fight, doesn’t have to be an argument, doesn’t have to be a conflict. It can just simply be a decision, to look at it and train yourself to look at it that, “OK, this is an issue.” “It’s not an issue.” “This is a problem.” “It’s not a problem.” Instead, this is a decision that we have to make together. You can do that and you can do that with great joy and, yes, there’s gonna be conflict. Yes, there’s passion but when you know you can trust the other person and ultimately that they’ve transferred their primary allegiance to you and you’ve done the same to them then you know you’re a team. And you can look at every conflict and every decision from the same side trying to accomplish the same goal.
This is ultimately what Romans 8:31 says I mean, he says, St. Paul says, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” I mean just to recognize this, that here is God: Jesus Christ, the Father, the Holy Spirit what he’s done in bringing us into the covenant is he’s transferred his primary allegiance to us and he invites us to do the same, so when we face life, it’s not us against God. It’s us and God on the same side and we’re looking at that problem, looking at that issue, looking at that decision and saying, “What should we do here?” Not just, “God, what do you want me to do?” and one of us wins but if God has transferred his primary allegiance to you and you’ve transferred your primary allegiance to God, then you look at every issue, every problem and every decision on the same team, knowing that when you move forward, you will move forward together. From all of us here at Ascension Presents, my name is Father Mike.