The first work relationship I ever had nearly destroyed four people. We all broke up at different times. My boyfriend broke up first, because I was being pursued by a superior colleague at work who was married but was breaking up (he said), and I believed him. I thought this man was more like me than anyone I had ever met, until I realized I didn’t want to be like him at all. When my boyfriend found out we were having an affair, he was devastated.
The coworker’s wife was the next to break up; they didn’t break up and despite what he had told me, he hadn’t moved out of their house. I was the next, when I realized that and had to walk away. He was the last, but in some ways the most dangerously broken. Hundreds of missed calls, messages and unsolicited visits to my flat were the norm. The only respite for one or maybe all of us was that he and I didn’t have to work together anymore — I was already leaving when he started telling me he was in love with me, even though I was now working remotely and we were more in each other’s lives than ever before. He called every day when he was at his desk, the office was now the place where he was least watched but most distracted without me there, ironically, and our sly lunches or sneaky, hurried drinks after work became long, yearning phone calls and promises.
Workplace relationships are often tempting — we spend most of our time at work, so it’s easiest to meet like-minded people there, especially if we’re single — but they may just have become less appealing. Last month, oil giant BP announced it was tightening its rules for them after it emerged its former CEO Bernard Looney had committed “serious misconduct” by failing to provide his own details, and it’s likely other companies will follow suit.
Yet BP’s way of addressing the backlog is essentially having its employees calculate their office body counts back three years. “Body count,” the way Gen Z now describes the number of people they’ve slept with, is about the most intimate thing you can ask someone — and now you’d have to tell HR if you didn’t want disciplinary action. Shudder. Plus, if so many workplace relationships were affairs, you risk exposure and careers being ruined by mistakes.
When my own affair came to light, the number of people who had them was also like that… they were everywhere
When my own affair at work came to light, so did the number of people who had, or were still, affected by it. I discovered I had a new, gaydar-like ability to spot infidelity. Infidelity? And Christ, it was everywhere. A married senior strategist sleeping with someone who then had to work from home was one thing. Three people in the same department as me: two failed and bitter affairs (men, married) and another who had left her husband for a man in the office. There were flings and kisses and cheating and serious attempts at relationships. They were everywhere. And we know it’s not limited to one industry.
Toby Ingham, a psychotherapist near Oxford, said that work relationships are a natural consequence of people spending so much time together. “Our work communities are often our biggest friendship groups,” he explained. “But office romances are not without their risks, and if there are differences in management level or responsibility, then other complications cannot be ruled out. We may think they can be managed, but we cannot predict how they will develop. They can create favouritism, upset confidentiality issues and complicate social dynamics, as well as being distracting.”
BP said the conflict of interest policy update was scheduled for review this year. Do I wish there had been better rules to protect me years ago? Of course. The problem is that there might have been if I had been allowed to understand at the time — not too late — how manipulated I had been by a superior who probably should have been fired. It was very damaging for a long time.
Dr. Limor Gottlieb agrees that there are several psychological reasons why workplace romances are appealing and almost inevitable. “They provide novelty that triggers dopamine, the reward chemical, which makes us want someone and pursue them. Then the excitement of the secret hookup and the forbidden nature of the relationship can act as an aphrodisiac and increase sexual attraction. Familiarity and proximity, as well as similarity, all play a role in developing feelings of attraction, so the workplace is a breeding ground for this. Working together can lead to a deep emotional connection.”
I was in a relationship with a guy at work, when I started liking another coworker… I left one for the other, without realizing they were back to back
I had two more relationships at work in my next job, an even tougher one where the shared stress of drudgery created an even stronger bond. I started dating someone from another department, and this time we were both single and they were my own age. I was also now getting a ride to work. Our first real problem came when I started liking a colleague who was a higher position than he was and ended up leaving one for the other, not realizing they were sitting back to back on their side of the office. Now the conflict of interest was almost entirely between them and I resented the fact that they had to work more closely than I did with either of them and that the first guy now had to watch me get a ride home with the second. These were the rental years of my generation and I had moved in with one, and then the other. Less fun was the fact that the first guy had to occasionally bring my mail to my desk. Awkwardness raged.
“Managing workplace breakups requires careful planning and professionalism,” says Dr. Gottlieb. “I would recommend having an exit strategy in place and agreeing on how to communicate the breakup to coworkers to avoid gossip, as work relationships can be a source of a lot of stress and anxiety. The need to keep the relationship a secret (if the couple chooses to do so) can be mentally taxing, with constant worries about being found out or how the relationship might impact someone’s career. To ease the pressure, prioritize open communication and setting clear boundaries. Regular check-ins and honest conversations about the impact of the relationship on the workplace can help minimize misunderstandings and reduce stress.”
“We can’t predict where Cupid’s arrows will land, but if you find yourself falling for a colleague, I think the easiest thing to do is to be open and discreet and possibly walk away,” says Toby Ingham. “Your career and the relationship will probably have a better chance of working out and no one will be able to accuse you of doing anything secret later.”
Did I do that then? No. Would I do that now — if I ever had an office relationship (or an office) again? Yes.
“Transparency about feelings and expectations is also critical,” Dr. Gottlieb adds. “Establishing clear distinctions between work and personal time, and maintaining professional behavior at work, helps to effectively manage these dual roles.
“This includes avoiding public displays of affection and ensuring that personal issues do not interfere with work responsibilities. And of course, adhering to company policies can significantly reduce stress.”
Tobyingham.com; drlimorgottlieb.com