Warning signs are there for a reason – as some of us found out the hard way. Take for example the unfortunate tourist who stood too close to one of the King’s Guard horses (ignoring the sign above his head) and was bitten as a result.
Unfortunately, ignorant tourist behavior in London isn’t limited to Horse Guards Parade. Here’s our guide to what visitors need to know to avoid making stupid mistakes:
1. Know when to queue – and when not to
The stereotype says that we Brits like to queue. In reality, the truth is more nuanced. Always queue at a bus stop, but never in a pub, for example.
2. Keep moving where possible
London can be big and confusing. But the tendency of some tourists to suddenly freeze and check their phones for directions is annoying, to say the least. Avoid antagonizing – or even bumping into – the locals by finding a quiet spot first.
3. Protect your phone at all times
In the same vein, be extremely careful about waving your phone around in public. London is plagued by opportunistic phone thieves, who often target tourists. Don’t hold it while walking and make sure you use earphones to make phone calls.
4. Choose your accommodation carefully
Sadly, London has been hit hard by hotel inflation. But don’t fall for the false economy. Staying in zone 4 will cost less but will be a headache for travelling. Beware of the cluster of hotels near Bloomsbury that combine regal-sounding names with hostel-like facilities…
5. Avoid Oxford Street (both ends of it)
While it may have been the height of glamour in the 1960s, Oxford Street has seen better days. When I moved to London in the 2010s, the advice was to avoid its seedier eastern end. Thanks to an explosion of tacky sweet shops, you can now ignore its entire length.
6. Adjust your expectations regarding service
The British enthusiasm for manners doesn’t always translate into great service. If you approach the staff on the train, expect nothing more than a nonchalant shrug. And waiters are there to take your order and bring you the bill – not to brighten your day.
7. Avoid the tourist cruises
A boat trip on the Thames sounds great. But you can save money by taking the public transport equivalent, known as the Thames Clipper. They may not offer a cheap afternoon tea, but they do have a bar.
8. Watch out for cyclists
Modern London is a cycling city. The vast majority of cyclists dutifully stay off the pavement – and so you need to pay attention when it comes to the roads. Always check before you cross and pay particular attention to cycle lanes.
9. Don’t count on a (good) hotel breakfast
With a few exceptions, breakfast is not a selling point for hotels in London. Even the more expensive options often charge extra and still underperform. Save your money for a decent brunch, or do as the locals do and go to Greggs.
10. Ignore anything written on a flyer
Generally speaking, nothing decent is advertised in London using flyers. If you get one, you can pretty much ignore it. Persistent offenders include comedy clubs full of tourists, the sale of poor quality suits by Russell Square and the Church of Scientology.
11. Be smart with theater tickets
The West End is one of the best things about London. But prices can be astronomical and don’t always make sense. Use apps like TodayTix to get better prices, or try Monday nights and midweek matinees, when demand is lower.
12. Don’t worry about passports
Instead of buying a travel pass or Oyster card, you simply use your card or phone to swipe through the tube gates. You pay the full fare for the first journey, but never pay more than a travel pass. Unlike many things about London’s public transport, it actually makes sense.
13. Be wary of protests
For a myriad of reasons, London is prone to occasional, noisy protests. While they generally pose no danger to tourists, police often block roads to control the crowds. Read on to see if there are any planned.
14. Avoid the local ‘wild animals’
There are few crazier ideas in Hyde Park than feeding squirrels. And feeding pigeons in Leicester Square could land you with a hefty fine.
15. Be prepared to apologize (but don’t really mean it)
British politeness is very ritualistic. If you stand in front of someone, they will say “sorry” – but they will also expect to hear it back. Be prepared to smile politely and apologize at all times. If someone really irritates you, just tut – that will hurt them more than a punch.
16. Stand on the right side of escalators
Although it may seem obvious, cities with 10 million inhabitants do not run on luck alone. There are strict rules and one of them is not to block the left side of an escalator. If you decide to break the rule, you can expect a chorus of tuts.
17. Adjust your expectations after 11pm
Every Londoner knows how hard it can be to find decent hospitality after 11pm. Despite all the pretence of a 24-hour city, most places close annoyingly early. If you want a fun place in the West End after midnight, try the Hippodrome Casino.
18. Be smart with bags and luggage
Space is at a premium in London. Although carrying luggage is inevitable on arrival, try to avoid peak hour trains. Many places also don’t have cloakrooms. So don’t go straight from a shopping trip to the theatre.
19. Go beyond the obvious places
Most of us can rattle off the stereotypical London itinerary from memory. But there are many great places that most tourists miss. Middle Temple, for example, is incredible and historic, and just a short walk from St Paul’s.
20. Avoid football talk
The Premier League is a global product, but most football fans find that annoying. Asking someone “Who’s your team?” just makes you seem like an outsider (yes, even if you say “football” instead of “soccer”).
21. Choose your flights (and airport) carefully
Thanks to budget airlines, it’s not hard to find a cheap deal when flying into London. But beware: not all airports are created equal when it comes to transport links (hello, Luton). Make sure you do your research and think about where you need to go.
22. Avoid the Heathrow Express
The Heathrow Express used to be the pinnacle of air travel. Since the arrival of the Elizabeth Line, the Express’s appeal has waned. Unless you absolutely can’t do without Wi-Fi and a toilet for 30 minutes, take the Tube.
23. Think twice about fish and chips
American tourists love the idea of trying our “national dish”. But few people know that breaded cod and newspaper chips is more of a seaside thing these days. Anywhere it’s offered in central London is likely to be a tourist trap.
24. Use a good transportation app
In theory, London is one of the most connected cities on earth. In practice, it doesn’t always work out that way. Do yourself a favor and download Citymapper, which gives you up-to-date advice on the best routes to take (and, just as importantly, which ones to avoid).