It’s the kind of news that could make you choke on your oat milk latte, builders’ tea, cheap sausage rolls and/or the best parma ham (delete as appropriate): when it comes to travel, some of us don’t necessarily want to be seen as British.
Nearly a third of us who come from this island with its scepter – or 29 percent, which is almost the same – like to avoid our compatriots when we go on holiday.
How do we know? This is one of the findings of a recent study into our travel habits by language learning platform Babbel. And there’s more. According to the study, a whopping seven percent of us have pretending to have a completely different nationality While relaxing at our chosen destination, we might come across a group of Brits.
This has got the Telegraph Travel team thinking (a dangerous situation, admittedly, but it is what it is). Polling statistics sometimes refer to “the silent majority” – a very relevant phrase given that we have just “enjoyed” election season. Could the numbers be even higher? Could it be that 87 per cent of us would rather stick a fork in our legs than share an Italian restaurant with a group of Devonians, Brummies or Liverpudlians? Could it be that one in three of us will claim to be Slovenian, North Macedonian or Silesian, rather than confess to a home address in Carlisle or Canterbury?
There’s only one way to find out: a completely unscientific and completely humorous multiple-choice quiz. There are no wrong answers, no prizes, and little point.
But it will fill a few minutes before the next European Championship football match starts. So let’s get started.
An easy one to start with. Which of these is your ideal summer holiday destination?
A: The Costa del Sol. Good weather, friendly people and everyone speaks English. What’s not to like?
B: Tuscany. Beautiful weather, friendly people and nobody speaks English. Well, apart from all the English in the villas in the hills. Ooh, look, is that Jeremy and Samantha? Cooee…
C: Well, last year we went to the grasslands of western Paraguay. The Chamacoco are very nice people, and so welcoming. But the best thing of all is that you don’t meet any horrible Brits.
You have decided to go to a Greek island for your summer holiday. Which island?
A: Rhodes. We’re going to Faliraki for beers. Your round, right?
B: Crete. Great flight connections from the UK and some beautiful properties – but you know, it’s such a big island and there’s so much space to relax. No, we haven’t been to Malia. But we’ve heard it’s fine, probably, if you’re into that sort of thing.
C: We have refused to go to a Greek island since that horrible incident with the donkey on Santorini. If we have to, we will book an old shepherd’s cottage on Pelion.
Oh dear. You’ve landed at an airport in a major European destination. And look! There’s a long queue of British visitors as everyone strolls through the e-gates. Are you…
A: Just try using the e-gates. You don’t see why you should have to queue.
B: Stand stoically in line for the next 30 minutes, sighing occasionally. It is what it is, and we’ll just have to wait – although it was a bit rude of the entire border control team to go out en masse for lunch just as our flight was arriving. Did they turn off the air conditioning?
C: Put on your loudest voice and say, “Now this didn’t happen before Brexit, but I think you all knew what you were voting for.” Repeat this every two minutes.
You walk past a beachside restaurant, where a table full of British tourists are loudly holding court on the terrace out front. Have you…
a: Kick into a quick chorus of “Southgate you’re the one”, pull your shirt over your head and walk in the door temporarily blinded. Brilliant bantz.
B: Do go in, but ask for a table inside and in the back.
C: Call quickly to the gendarmesand tell them to come all suite.
You are already in the restaurant when a large group of British guests arrive. Do you…
A: Ask the waiter to seat the newcomers next to you. Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet, and besides, you want to talk about football. Can you really believe that United, after all the rumours, haven’t sacked Ten Hag?
B: Roll your eyes at the waiter and change your steak order from “medium rare” to “still breathing.”
C: To leave.
Oops. That big British group ordered a third bottle of wine. Are you…
A: Push the tables together. You have the feeling, as the Black Eyed Peas so clearly put it, that tonight is going to be a good night; that tonight is going to be a good good night.
B: Put on an Inspector Clouseau accent, switch to your best Franglais and order your dessert with extra hand gestures. It doesn’t matter if the waiter answers you in English. He gets it. He knows you’re a posh Europhile. He’ll give you the digestives on the House.
C: Spend the next hour openly lurking at the table in question, making increasingly loud comments about how “some people should not be given passports” – as your wife visibly shrinks in her seat.
Which of the following reasons would make you NOT want to go on holiday to Spain?
A: The anti-tourism protests in Tenerife and Mallorca. Fine. We don’t go to places where we are not wanted.
B: The temperatures. Sorry, it’s just too hot these days. As soon as it gets above 20C, Geoffrey starts getting into hives. You don’t want to see Geoffrey with hives.
C: All the British tourists. Really, they are everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. They have even discovered Valencia. We thought we were safe in Valencia.
You bump into an American couple in Rome. For some reason they misread your accent and assume you’re Australian. Do you…
A: Shout: “Listen, mate. I was born in Birmingham, I live in Birmingham and I’ll die in Birmingham. No, not Birmingham Alabama. The real one. Up the Villa.”
B: Spend the rest of the day pretending to be from Sydney. Correcting people can be really awkward. If you were going to say something, honey, you should have said it an hour ago.
C: Screaming, “Australian? How dare you!” – before angrily walking out of the Colosseum.
It’s just too hot on the Mediterranean coast at the moment. You’d rather stay on British soil. Which of the following options would you choose?
A: Somewhere on the Lincolnshire or Norfolk coast, perhaps. Honestly, we have some beautiful beaches and coastal gems in this country, and we really should be more proud of what they have to offer.
B: The Scottish Highlands. So beautiful in the summer, when you’re not being eaten by mosquitoes, and the scenery is so dramatic you could be in New Zealand.
C: I will not – and I repeat, not – go on holiday to this country. Too expensive, too crowded, and we all know what the beaches are like.
Where are you going skiing?
A: That stupid sport where a bunch of Norwegians in shell suits go down a mountain on bits of metal? Okay, whatever, carbon fiber. I don’t care. Not for me.
B: The French Alps. It’s a home away from home, and the snow is generally great, as long as you’re high enough on the mountain.
C: Aspen. We love Colorado in the winter. The flight time and cost involved means that you generally can’t beat the [whispered] you know who…
You go your own way and choose an unusual place for your next journey. Where?
A: Crewe
B: Bratislava, Split, or maybe Warsaw. Somewhere in old Eastern Europe, anyway. Fascinating. It’s great to visit new places, but we don’t like to fly too far.
C: The Solomon Islands. You know why.
It’s time to fly home. But what’s this? Ah, there’s a British hen party booked on your flight, and they’re loving the pinot grigio. What do you do?
A: Wish the bride-to-be all the best as you step aboard. The happiest day of your life.
B: Grab the eye mask and earplugs as soon as you are seated. The stewardess won’t keep serving them, will he?
C: Reschedule your flight. There is no point in getting on this plane anyway. It will make an emergency landing in Bordeaux because of unimaginable antics.
