I love my son Marcus with all my being, but there was a time when alcohol caused a rift between us. As an alcoholic, all you care about is that bottle, and drinking was much more important to me than being a good father.
Drink was always in my life. I grew up in an era when the rules around alcohol were more relaxed. When I was 13, my brothers bought me pints in the pub. In my early twenties, I worked in the corporate world, where it was a beer at 5 p.m., wine with dinner, another load of liquor, and then shots at some point at 3 a.m.
Things took a turn for the worse about seven years ago, when I developed serious eye problems. I’ve been to every top clinic in the country for every test you can think of, but to this day no one has been able to find the cause. At one point I couldn’t read my emails. Fortunately, the doctors managed to reverse the deterioration in my right eye, but I have now lost 90 percent of the vision in my left eye. Nowadays I still bump into things, I can’t always see people and I get lost in the dark. It was a huge adjustment, and when it first happened, I couldn’t handle it.
But instead of talking about it and being honest about my anxiety, I made jokes and pretended everything was fine. Behind closed doors I buried myself in the bottle and my alcohol intake went through the roof.
About five years ago, when Marcus was fourteen, I was really struggling. I had previously divorced Marcus’ mother, but we had always co-parented and my relationship with Marcus had been extremely close. Before my drinking problem took hold, I was the kind of dad who called him every day; we regularly went to rugby together and loved being in each other’s company.
But as my booze intake accelerated, I went from drinking bottles of wine and beer in the evening to drinking more than a few bottles in the afternoon. At the end of 2020, the first thing I thought about when I woke up was having a drink. At the time I was on vodka because it made me drunk faster.
Because I was running my own legal business, even though I wasn’t working on it much of the time, I was able to pretty much keep my professional life together. But later, when I finally hit rock bottom, I had to be honest with my management team and ask for their help. That was hard: being honest about how bad things had gotten.
I was always very clever at hiding my addiction. I would sneak out to get a drink when no one was looking, and because I had a high tolerance, I could still be around Marcus and function. Yet Marcus was not foolish and he noticed that I was not the father he knew and loved. It’s hard to admit, but he once found me asleep in bed, surrounded by empty bottles. Not my proudest moment.
It got worse and I started to abandon him. I forgot to pick it up, didn’t show a face at the rugby and was mainly distracted by the thought of the next drink. Marcus had always been my main priority, but now it was alcohol.
One day his mother intervened and told me that I needed to seek professional help. Even though I agreed to go to rehab, as crazy as it sounds, I didn’t really believe I had a problem. When I got out, I immediately started drinking again. This became the cycle – I went to rehab five times in total.
And so it went on. I was drunk all day. Marcus no longer saw me, and the sadness I felt around me pushed me even further towards the bottle. We were both stuck in our own pain bubbles. I destroyed myself with drink; Marcus closed himself off from his feelings. He never blew up or rebelled, but he did close himself off. We’ve talked about it since and he realizes it was his way of coping with the overwhelming situation. We both know now that it’s better to let those difficult emotions out and try to deal with them.
But then, the more I drank, the more I didn’t care about anything or anyone. I reached the stage where I was in a pit of drunken misery and it seemed to make no difference in my mind whether I lived or died.
Then one morning in September 2022, a miracle of sorts happened. I was sitting with Marcus in the garden at my parents’ house, and he turned to me and said, ‘Dad, you are 42 years old and you still need your father and mother. I’m 17 years old and I need you.’
I was at such a low point in my life – the feeling of being lost and alone is indescribable – but those words hit me like a ton of bricks. It was then that I realized that I indeed had a purpose in life: I had to be a decent father to my son again. I went back to rehab and it was no easy feat. It took dedication and hard work. But the discussion groups opened up a whole new way of looking at life, and the connections I made showed me that there were plenty of other people going through similar experiences. I felt completely supported and understood by the staff and other patients. As hard as it was at the time, I haven’t looked back.
My sober life is great. I feel and look ten years younger, I can face my feelings without fear, I communicate honestly and give myself a break. I realize that I am human, with human flaws, and can only do my best. Last year I founded Claritee Group, a company that runs Be The Spirit, alcohol-free events for those who want to socialize but for whatever reason—sobriety, pregnancy, health—don’t want to drink. It was a big success.
My relationship with Marcus is closer than ever before. We spent many hours discussing what happened, and I told him I was deeply sorry for what I did to him. I hurt him very much. It took time to rebuild trust, and for the first six months I was sober, he was afraid I would relapse. It’s important that he understands that communication between us broke down when I was at my worst because of my obsession with drinking. It wasn’t his fault. And luckily we can now talk about anything and everything.
Many tears have been shed, but that is healthy. Those emotions need to come out and be shared. And nowadays there is also a lot of laughter. Marcus is a beautiful soul; respectful, polite and gentle. He studies Business and Economics at the University of Leeds, and although he has fun, he is not a big drinker. We won’t actually be together on Father’s Day because he is traveling in Thailand, but we will have Face Time and I suspect we will share the love. Just yesterday he sent me a message saying he is so proud of me.
Marcus saw me at my lowest, and it was one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Life was a mess and I messed up, but my son forgave me. He is my reason to get back to work. And right now it feels good to move on.
As told to Jenny Tucker