Less than three years after taking center stage at Chelsea’s 2005 League Cup celebrations, Lenny Pidgeley was locked in a toilet at Elland Road, paralyzed by fear.
A few weeks earlier, Pidgeley – covered by his sheets and with the curtains drawn – had thought about ending it all. But he had returned to training and Millwall, the club he joined from Chelsea, were short of goalkeepers.
Pidgeley, a 23-year-old goalkeeper at the time, still has no memory of the match other than his panic attack, including the result (4-2 victory for Leeds United). Thinking back on the day remains an uncomfortable experience.
“It started in the summer, out of season,” Pidgeley said. ‘I had anxiety attacks and lay in bed, with the door locked under the covers and all the curtains closed. Millwall had sent me to the Priory and I hadn’t played for months.
“I was just training again and the goalkeeper on loan couldn’t play. I felt a little better and before I knew it I was playing at Elland Road, the first game back.
“I was sitting in the toilet 10 minutes before kick-off with a panic attack. I was dripping with sweat, throwing up, my heart beating out of my chest and trying to convince myself that my hamstring was going to go away. I thought about it so much that I felt my hamstring tightening.
“Then I ran outside, standing in front of 30,000 people. Three weeks earlier I was thinking about killing myself and now they’re calling me a w—–, and whatever, and I’m just thinking ‘oh my God, if you knew what was going on in my head.’
“I played through the match, but I couldn’t tell you what happened or what the result was. I probably threw it away because I don’t want to remember anything about it. Even talking about it brings it all back. Look, I’m getting hot now, I’m rubbing my head, my mouth has gotten a little dry.
‘I wanted to jump off a balcony’
Pidgeley, who left Chelsea in 2006, was afraid to make his battle with anxiety and depression public, fearing it would be used against him.
“The panic attacks were so uncontrollable I wanted to jump off a balcony,” Pidgeley said. “I was in really bad shape. I was ashamed, I didn’t want anyone to know. I felt weak and vulnerable, as if my career was over.
“At my first assessment at the Priory the man asked if I took drugs, if I smoked, if there had been any deaths in the family and the answer was ‘no’ to all of them. I wanted there to be one where it said yes, so I knew what it was. Finally he told me that you can have a chemical imbalance in your brain and this can happen.
“I would have broken every bone in my body than what I went through. It was horrible. I couldn’t deal with it and thought I couldn’t live like this. All I wanted was to sleep, but every time I woke up I felt worse. I thought, if this continues, I can’t do it anymore.
“I started taking antidepressants and that kept it under control for a while, but it happened again when I was in Newport. Justin Edinburgh, who sadly passed away a few years ago, was the manager and he was incredible to me. It was really scary to get it back, but he gave me all the time I needed.”
Pidgeley’s situation came to a head during his third major scare, at Farnborough in 2018, when the club announced his retirement and mental health problems in a message posted to social media – and later deleted – without his consent.
“I was working part-time at the time and had not been at work because I wasn’t feeling well,” Pidgeley said. “On the morning of the race I had anxiety and panic attacks. I called the manager and said I couldn’t play, but he said ‘you have to’. They had no goalkeeper.
“I told him I was quitting football, that I had depression and that it wasn’t good for my mental health. Immediately after the match they announced that I had retired due to depression. They finally removed it after I spoke to them. I couldn’t believe it, it was a shame. I kept it quiet for ten to fifteen years.”
“John Terry said, ‘Go check your locker.’
Understandably, Pidgeley prefers to remember the good times of his career, which saw him play for England at U16, U18, U19 and U20 level. He has as many Chelsea winners’ medals – the 2005 League Cup and Premier League title – as he has played in senior games for the club.
Sunday’s Carabao Cup final between Chelsea and Liverpool is a repeat of the final at the Millenium Stadium, where Pidgeley was on the substitutes’ bench 19 years ago.
“Carlo Cudicini was suspended, so I was on the bench,” Pidgeley said. “I remember running outside for warm-up and thinking ‘wow, this is big’. I was a Chelsea fan so it meant a lot to me. One of the guys told me what the win bonus was and then it meant even more!
“I was relatively addicted to peanuts at the time. So for me the bonus was a few thousand euros and the equivalent of two months’ wages.”
After trailing for almost the entire match, Chelsea won the final in extra time to secure Jose Mourinho’s first trophy as manager. Pidgeley was in the middle of the festivities.
“To win, be a big fan and have friends and family at the game. It was great,” said Pidgeley. “They handed out the medals in order of bib number. I was number 40 and by the time the whole team got there there was no room left. John Terry was about to collect the trophy and there I was standing up front next to the captain.”
Mourinho and Terry also ensured that Pidgeley played in the title success that followed at the end of the same season and received a winners’ medal.
“Petr Cech played 95 percent of the games that season and Carlo was his number two, so I hadn’t played at all before the last league game,” Pidgeley said. “Jose called me the week of that game and said he was going to put me on and I played the last eight minutes of the last game of the season against Charlton.
“I didn’t think I would get a Premier League winner’s medal but JT sorted it out. I remember him saying at training: ‘Go look in your locker’ and there it was. I have both of my medals framed. One day I will get around to hanging them on the wall.”
‘Bosnich pressed me against the wall by my throat’
A boyhood Chelsea fan, Pidgeley joined the club at the age of 11 and signed apprenticeship forms at 16, which gave him the responsibility of cleaning the boots of the then senior goalkeepers: Cudicini, Ed de Goey and Mark. Bosnian.
In 2019, Pidgeley posted a message on social media that read: “Just watched Mark Bosnich on Sky Sports News and brought back so many bad memories of his boot boy. There are five players during my career that I look back on and think: what a p… and he is miles ahead of first place.’
One particular incident involving Bosnich and his boots sticks out in the memory of Pidgeley, who said: ‘At Harlington, the old training ground, there was one outside tap so there were loads of people standing around trying to clean the boots. We were supposed to come in at 8am and the players would want to wear their boots for training at 10am, so you’re all in a huge hurry.
“One morning I was sitting in the youth team locker room with all the young boys. Bosnich came in and yelled at me that his boots were still wet. Then he grabbed me by the throat, pinning me against the wall. I had probably just turned 17 and weighed about 12 stone, and I was terrified. I could be wrong, but I don’t think anyone really got along with him.
‘It’s become clear how he was living his life at the time and going through a difficult time, so yes, I would say hello to him if I saw him now. I’ve probably done things that I look back on and think ‘what an idiot.’”
When asked if he believed football was linked to his panic attacks, Pidgeley said: “I’m starting to think this hasn’t happened since I retired. I still can’t put my finger on it. Who knows? It might have helped if I played now and maybe I wouldn’t have felt like I had to keep it all a secret. I probably wouldn’t have locked myself in that toilet on Elland Road.’
Pidgeley started drinking more frequently after he stopped playing, but unlike when he was first struck by anxiety, he took the issue into the public domain via social media. He received support from another former goalkeeper, Chris Kirkland, who spoke out about his mental health and addiction issues.
“I’m certainly a binge drinker and I’m a lot more open about things now, so I was feeling a bit down and went on social media to open up,” Pidgeley said. “It’s important for me to recognize things and stay on top of them after what I’ve been through.”
Pidgeley now runs his own landscaping business and celebrated his 40th birthday this month with his wife Carla, their five-year-old daughter Everly and his two daughters, Lila and Paige, from a previous relationship.
“I’ve got my family, the business and I’m good at it at the moment,” Pidgeley said. “I’m happier now, but I look back on football with fond memories. I’ve had some huge highs and some huge lows, both in my career and in my life.