What is the purpose of Rishi Sunak’s government? It is clearly not intended to govern. The Tories have long given up on that. Nothing really works anymore and Sunak has little to offer other than the promise of a general election or two. But its predecessors are clearly on a mission to bridge the gap with entertainment. Banish those Monday morning January blues with the Conservatives’ comedy hour. The revenge of idiocy.
Step forward, Lucy Frazer. In a previous life, Frazer was by all accounts a successful lawyer. Someone even thought she was sharp – or chic – enough to make her a KC. But what that says about all the other lawyers she beat out for promotion doesn’t need to be mentioned. There is no easy way to say this. But Lucy just isn’t that smart. If the elections don’t go well for her, you won’t see many people rushing to her chambers to ask her to take up their case.
But it just so happens that Frazer is now our culture secretary. Words you thought you would never say. The least you would expect is someone who can talk in fully formed sentences. Coherent thinking would also be nice. Come back, Nadine Dorries. Even when she was at her most demented, even when she was completely pissed off, Mad Nad was more vocal than Frazer during Monday’s media round. Almost as if Lucy was auditioning for her own stand-up show. A rival of Rosie Holt.
For reasons best known to themselves, every Tory culture secretary seems to fancy the BBC. It could just be jealousy. The BBC is much more highly regarded and trusted than the Tories. We Brits could easily do without the services of another second-rate minister, but we’d be angry if we were asked to give up our guilty pleasures of The Traitors and Silent Witness.
Does not matter. Frazer had managed to get his hands on another shoddy piece of research claiming the BBC was not impartial, and he was determined to turn it into a comedy gig. A helpful suggestion: most stand-ups learn their routines before they take them on tour. They don’t just make it up as they go along. But Lucie knows better. All she had done was, before they left the house in the morning, skimmed the key findings that the BBC were all left-wing bastards and decided to follow up on the rest.
It didn’t go well. Frazer clearly thought she would feel at home in the Sky studios. That a rival broadcaster would love nothing more than to indulge in a bit of communal Beeb bashing. The idea that a news source could have independent news values had clearly not occurred to her. She clearly thought everything looked like GB News. Kay Burley gave chase. “Do you think the BBC is biased?” she asked beforehand.
“Um… I’m looking at this from, uh… the point of view of Minister of Culture,” Frazer said in her trademark high-pitched, panicked nasal whine. About the same as Sunak.
Burley looked around for a gun. Anything to save himself from the misery of spending another second with this dumbass. “I know you are,” she said. “That’s why we invited you to the program.” Poor Lucie. But to make the connection between her role as minister and her invitation to television. She thought it was just a coincidence.
Then we moved on to the details. Or rather, the lack thereof. Frazer did think the BBC was biased because it apologized for an error about the bombing of a hospital in Gaza. Her dishonesty was transparent. Because you could see that what she wanted to say, but didn’t dare, was that the BBC hated the Tories. Which some members and presenters probably do. Although the boss class and some other presenters are also very Tory friendly. That suggests that things are generally a lot more balanced than at GBeebies.
“So where’s your proof?” Burley asked.
Frazer looked confused. Startled even. “Evi… Evi… Evi… compact?” What was that? Yeah, she’s a lawyer, okay. Er… the evidence was that some people saw the BBC as biased, she suggested. Burley gently pointed out that perceptions were not evidence and invited her to try again. Still nothing. Finally, Burley just gave up and spat her out in disgust. Strangely enough, Frazer repeated this interview on all networks. Someone should tell her there’s a difference between an audience laughing at you and laughing with you.
Yet Frazer was just the warm-up at LBC. There we got half an hour of Comedy Central with the Tory candidate for mayor of London. The never-to-be-forgotten Susan Hall. Possibly the dumbest person in the entire capital. The Conservatives must have picked her for the LOLs. There is no other explanation.
Firstly, Hall insisted that Sadiq Khan had saved some money to boost Londoners ahead of the election. Wait until she finds out what Sunak and Jeremy Hunt have in store. Then she became completely confused about the repairs to Hammersmith Bridge. The robbery was because it was owned by two municipalities. A listener had to call to point out that this was a lie. Since 1985 it has been owned solely by Hammersmith and Fulham Council. Although Hall might think that counts as two.
But Sue was just getting started. She was definitely going to give the police a raise, even if she didn’t know where the money came from. The host, Nick Ferrari, asked her if she knew what the base salary for an officer was. “No idea,” she said proudly. But guess? £30K. That is the equivalent of €60,000. To be honest, no one had any idea what she was talking about. Them least of all. “It costs £36,000,” Ferrari said.
Her ignorance was bliss. And totally. She didn’t know what a bus fare was. Couldn’t throw. She never brought one with her. Travel only by train. So nothing to do with her. And she was unrepentant about her tweets that Trump stole the 2020 election from him, because she “always spent a lot of time on Twitter liking tweets she didn’t really like.” Ferrari looked like he needed a self-help group towards the end. We all did that.
Anyway, the LBC phone lines all lit up. With agents who want to register Dim Sue. This was a laugh-a-minute radio. Much better than anything Radio 4 has to offer. And no one laughed louder than Sadiq. Imagine Hall as mayor of one of the largest cities in the world. Even my dog could do better. And still the fun wasn’t over, as hours later Liz Truss announced she would be making her comeback in February. The edge of Edinburgh is dead. Long live the Tory faction. Our cup is overflowing.