TODD’S HAND
Football is a simple game – a truth that goes a long way toward explaining why it has taken over the world, the one human creation that transcends every possible human difference. And because it’s so easy to understand its rhythms and tactics, those who know nothing about it can still master it almost instantly, digesting its roughly 150 years of history to produce a foolproof analysis in minutes to deliver. Take Todd Boehly, for example. You might think that someone with no football experience would need time to adapt to a new sport and culture; not so! Rather, Boehly’s limp frills and abundance of horns have him flying like a Rüpell vulture, surveying everything from above before diving low to pull flesh from the bones of ground-bound underlings.
Only Boehly could buy Chelsea and conclude within a few months that the manager who unexpectedly made them champions of Europe was in fact a liability. But now that the chairman has been appointed as sporting director – by himself, because who else could make a decision of such magnitude? – Todd’s Tao surpassed Thomas Tuchel’s triumph, and rightly so. Who else would have realized that what the club needed was not the safe tutelage of a Big Cup winner who was unenthusiastic about the rich taste of his boss’s rectum, but the debilitating nervousness of a guy who got it right done in Brighton?
So out went Tuchel and in came Graham Potter, the authority he lacked immediately addressed with the purchase of a turtleneck and the installation of a fade. To help the new man, a haphazard selection of expensive players were recruited with no reason to respect him. Todd had cunningly discovered a loophole in the spending rules that allowed him to waste as much money as he wanted without any negative impact. And while this ultimately turned out not to be the case – the club will have to release several players this summer – that can hardly be attributed to a visionary for whom the world was not yet ready. Just ask Galileo. Or Shabbatai Tzvi.
Potter lasted seven months, blinded by the glare of Boehly’s football lights; Mauricio Pochettino was appointed in his place. And once again, Todd used the unquestionable wisdom of his vast treasure chest, throwing players into the squad like a toddler starring Sunny D, deliberately testing his new recruit’s judgment by making his job as difficult as possible to make. It was no great surprise that it took Pochettino – a relative novice – the best part of a season to get Chelsea back on track, whereupon he too was sacked for insufficient collegiality, threatened by his proximity to football’s arch expert.
Which brings us to Enzo Maresca, ready to be appointed as Boehly’s newest bag carrier. The Leicester manager is certainly skilled in the art after his time with Pep Guardiola, and his excellent quality – gratitude for a job he didn’t earn – gives him a chance. Unless, of course, we’ve been getting it all wrong this whole time, and it’s not in fact the game that’s that simple.
WIN A DAVID SQUIRES PRINT!
Thanks to our friends at the Guardian Print Shop, we’re giving away more David Squires cartoons. To participate, simply write us a letter for publication below. At the end of each week we choose the top winners of our Letter of the Day and that worthy winner will receive a voucher for one of our best, finest cartoonist prints. And if all else fails, you can scan the entire archive of David’s cartoons here and then purchase your own. You can view the terms and conditions for the competition here.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We have reached a point where we are tired of injustice, not being appreciated, not being heard and, worse, being humiliated. We need improvements for the women’s team, and I’m not just talking about finances. I’m talking about training, lunch, breakfast.” Argentinian defender Julieta Cruz explains why she, along with two other players, is leaving the national team. Cruz claims that during a recent training camp, the only food items provided to players were a ham and cheese sandwich and a banana.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
“After a season full of misery, it is no surprise that Bayern Munich have chosen Kompany” – Justin Kavanagh.
“Am I the only one of your 1,057 readers who thinks that thanking Sir Jim Ratcliffe to the players, staff, Uncle Tom Cobley and everyone after Manchester United won the FA Cup – but I am emphatically not mentioning the manager – is childish, hateful and total lack of lessons?” – Frank Landamore (and no others).
“On Saturday, the FA Cup engraver could have worry-free engraved ‘2024 Manchester’ on the trophy and thus had to worry full-time about the correct spelling of a single word. I wonder if he did?” – Rod de Lisle.
“I’ve been racking my brain as to why I can’t take Kieran McKenna seriously as the next big thing in management, and it suddenly struck me: his resemblance to one of the worst ministers this country has ever produced, on and off to a fireplace peddler Gavin Williamson” – Darrien Bold.
“Can Ed Taylor [Friday’s letters] shed more light on his ongoing ‘feud’ with the Camra hierarchy? As he reads Big Paper, I come to imagine him as a skinny, jeans-wearing, beard-stroking hipster at odds with the Fair-Isle sweater-wearing, beer-drinking traditionalists. Is this the British version of Kendrick Lamar v Drake?” – Paul McSheaffrey.
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s Letter of the Day winner is… Darrien Bold, who now has a chance to win a David Squires cartoon from our print shop at the end of the week. You can view the conditions for all this here.
RECOMMENDED WATCH
He is not in danger… he is the danger. Erik ten Hag channels Walter White while Sir Jim Ratcliffe plans a big summer of symposia. It’s all in David Squires’ latest news from Manchester United’s FA Cup win.
BOUNCE TURN ABILITY
The play-offs in the English league proceeded with a relative lack of drama, but the same cannot be said of the denouement in Germany, where the Bundesliga promotion/relegation play-offs saw a Sheffield Wednesday-sized comeback. Bochum, who reached the relegation play-off spot on the final day, fell behind 3-0 in their home match against Fortuna Düsseldorf, who finished third in the second tier. In Monday’s second leg, Bochum sniffed themselves when Philipp Hofmann headed them ahead in the 18th minute – and with 24 minutes to play he resurfaced to head in within a second. Within four minutes, Fortuna’s Matthias Zimmermann acted in his own area, allowing Kevin Stöger to level the score from the spot. In the penalty shootout it was Bochum who controlled the nerves better and won 6-5 to stay in the top. Düsseldorf’s failure also means that half of the venues used for Euro 2024 will host second division football next season – alongside Cologne, Hamburg, Berlin (Hertha) and Gelsenkirchen (Schalke).
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
West Ham are on the verge of making their first signing after David Moyes, with Flamengo centre-back Fabrício Bruno ready to join for an initial fee of £12.5 million. As for Kalvin Phillips, he is in Everton’s interest despite a disastrous loan spell at the Hammers.
Marcus Rashford is taking a break from social media to “mentally rest and reset” after a “challenging season” at Manchester United which led to him being left out of Gareth Southgate’s training squad for Euro 2024.
Ipswich Town manager Gavin Will Kieran McKenna is set to sign a new contract with the club amid relentless speculation over his future, reports suggest.
And Edin Terzic is aiming for the ultimate disappointment when his Dortmund team takes on Real Madrid in the Big Cup final on Saturday. “We are now facing the absolute champions,” roared the head coach. “They have [won Big Cup] 14 times, five wins in the last 10 years. Eight Champions League finals and never lost. But what matters is just the following. It’s time to break that run.”
MOVING THE GOAL POSTS
In today’s newsletter: Sápmi defend their Conifa Women’s World Cup title in Bodø this month. In addition to retaining the trophy, Sámi players hope to put their team on the map and celebrate their indigenous identity. Read more from Raphaël Jucobin.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
All aboard the Football Weekly Trans-Europe Express, which visits Wembley Park for the Big Cup final before touring Munich, Leverkusen, Barcelona, Turin and even stopping in Sardinia. Listen here or wherever you get your pods.
DO YOU WANT MORE?
Hannah Cauhépé joined Barcelona fans on their trip to Bilbao for their Women’s Big Cup final victory over Lyon. This sparkling visual essay is the result.
Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson cheers the Wembley victory over plucky underdog Manchester United as it looks like the FA Cup final matters again.
“We’ve changed the perception”: Former England captain Steph Houghton reflects on her achievements as she heads into retirement.
“Wembley feels less like a football pilgrimage and more like a shopping center that you secretly hate.” Jonathan Liew puts the boot in the national stadium.
John Brewin on Leeds’ play-off curse strikes again, while Southampton’s Russell Martin is looking forward to a summer of seeing away interest from big clubs.
And to round off the latest Euro action: Sid Lowe praises Girona’s Artem Dovbyk, La Liga’s top scorer this season; Andy Brassell says Bayer Leverkusen’s double is just the beginning as Nicky Bandini makes a remarkable last-minute escape for Empoli.
MEMORY LANE
Happy 50th birthday to Hans-Jörg Butt. The former Hamburg, Leverkusen and Bayern Munich goalkeeper was a world-class shot-stopper but is best remembered for his exploits at the other end of the pitch. Butt regularly took penalties, as pictured here when he scored against Schalke for HSV in 2000; he finished his career with 32 goals.