Do you have a sex or relationship question? Ask Rachel via the form below
Dear Rachel,
My last relationship was the affair that ended my marriage and perhaps because of that it started with a kind of steamy intensity that made it clear – immediately – that my partner was very sexual. This turned out to be the case and we had excellent, often kinky sex in which we both confidently pushed the boundaries.
I now know that these types of sexual relationships are the only ones that are satisfying. And yet… if you’re dating (online or in person) and looking for a life partner, how on earth can you make it clear from the start (without looking like a total pervert) that any partner should be willing to be quite adventurous? ?
– Mr DS, London
Dear Mr DS,
Phew, I might have to take a cold shower after even reading that. I note the reckless Flashmanesque final flourish of your post. Of all the letters I’ve had since the beginning, this is probably the “sexiest” because you’re not confronted with a problem, but with a dilemma: how to find a life partner who will satisfy your late-emerging desire for kink? , forever and ever Amen. It is certainly a fresh look at “for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health”, but we will come back to that. As a woman of a certain age, I have to admit that I see a yawning chasm here, as TS Eliot summarized it: Between the idea/And the reality/Between the movement/And the action/Falls the Shadow.
What I mean more prosaically is that your fantasy, or idea, will disappear at some point when you come into contact with reality, but let’s treat your dreams lightly and start tackling the short-term problems instead of the long-term problems you will face. How do you signal to a potential partner that you’ve hung your crazy flag on the flagpole and you want to let it fly free, ideally forever? Well, there is a very simple answer to that.
If you use the apps, Feeld is the right choice for you, because it has a bewildering range of tastes, inclinations and preferences and I’m sure you will feel very “seen”. As the site advertises: “Feeld’s ever-evolving platform creates safer, more inclusive spaces online and IRL (that’s in real life) where everyone can express and explore gender, sexuality and desire beyond the existing blueprints.” You don’t say how old you are, but that doesn’t matter.
You move with the times. Dating apps like Feeld simply reflect changes when it comes to gender, sexuality and relationships. All you have to do is set up your profile to warn (or induce) future dates that you’re into kink, which I guess is a topic for another time since this, like all others, encompassing a myriad of sins, from the occasional use of a blindfold and a bit of gentle tying to a bedpost to mask changes in sex dungeons and everything in between. (Or so I’m told. My best-selling naughty novel would be titled “Fifty Shades of Greige.”)
If you met someone on Feeld who is fully aware of what you are looking for, that is very different from someone you met IRL who will be completely oblivious to your “needs”. If you met someone more organically, she’s a friend of a friend, then I suggest you break the news to her gently.
As far as she’s concerned, she’s a single Pringle, ready to mingle. She may be looking for husband material. On that basis, I wouldn’t bring out the collar on your first date, and certainly not right after a bottle of sauvignon at All Bar One, by which time you might have returned to one of your homes. I wouldn’t try to immediately lead her on all fours to your red room of pain, that’s what I mean.
But at some point, if the opportunity presents itself, you might ask if she’s ever done anything more experimental or adventurous than simple missionary-style bedroom activities, and gauge her reaction. Marian O’Connor, a psychosexual counselor, offers more tips: “You can start with something very gentle, like a full-body massage while the woman is blindfolded, and if she likes this, you can expand it,” she suggests.
Her mantra is that all consensual sexual relationships are based on negotiation, or should be. One partner wants one thing, the other partner wants another, and what they end up getting, she says, could be something in between. O’Connor echoes my fear that your fantasy of having Ms. Kinky Boots in your bed for long periods of time will most likely be frustrated.
“A relationship is not just about sex. He’s very excited about all this, but there are two people in a relationship, and he needs to be aware that sexual preferences can change over time,” O’Connor continues. “I’ve seen couples for whom kink was a big problem in the beginning, when the relationship was very charged and adventurous. Maybe they’ll come to me when he’s still into it, and she’s over it, since kink isn’t her dominant sexual script. He asks, “Do you want me to tie you up?” but she would much rather have him put the bins out while she had a cup of tea or continued knitting.’ We all know that couple. Especially her.
Dear Rachel,
How do you convince your man to consider Viagra…? I really miss the intimacy of great sex!
– Anon
Dear Anon,
I put your question to a former Prime Minister (and you may not guess which one, we have eight living former Prime Ministers, they should form some sort of union) and they said, “Go to Boots.” I don’t know how old your husband is, if he has any health problems, or if you have maintained your sexual connection over the years (these are all important details – so fuller letters please), but how about telling him the old man: ‘I’m still in the mood for your pants. You are beautiful. I wish we had more sex. How would you like to try… something to get our love life back on track?’
Most men would be happy! It’s not like he can’t be oblivious to Viagra, or Cialis, or whatever, since TV ads are full of post-coital silver foxes waltzing barefoot with their satisfied partners. As a couple, they seem to be struggling with “loss of desire in the man,” says Sophie Haggard, a relationship therapist, “but this takes some research. Is she as eager to rekindle their sexual relationship as she thinks? What could he ‘have in store’ for her? This is a top psychologist talking about the unconscious benefits of a partner behaving in a certain way.
She asked if you had practiced “simmering” (no, I haven’t either!), which, as the term suggests, keeps things simmering. My conclusion is that you should take your bull by the horns if he likes pipes and slippers more than snorkels and suspenders (most people do that after 30 years).
We all live, and our marriages last far too long. You have nothing to lose (although don’t imagine the little blue pill being a miracle cure, it’s daddy’s little helper – as long as it’s on). Just do what the former Prime Minister says and go to Boots for him.